Brian Murphy

How does one measure swag level? Scientifically? Mathematically? Swag-a-lat-ically?

They say money can’t buy happiness. Even though NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell’s misery is gold-plated and wood-paneled because of that robust salary, it’s misery nonetheless.

The offseason is out there, gents. Go win it, or face the wrath of KNBR callers.

As if the Giants needed any more reminders that a roster and identity makeover is the direction they must travel, the announcement of Matt Cain’s retirement comes along to serve as a big, fat reminder.

The news that the Oakland A’s have selected the Laney College site near Lake Merritt is large for the Bay Area sports scene. Everything’s changing in the 21st century, right before our eyes, and the new landscape by 2025 will leave us with a very odd thought: AT&T Park will be the oldest home park among the Giants/A’s/49ers/Raiders/Warriors.

Muscle-bound sluggers are winning games by studying launch angles, while heat-throwing pitchers are providing the power. The Giants, led by Brandon Belt’s 18 home runs, are not keeping up. This is where Stanton comes in.

In August, the familiar allure of the NFL — speed, power, grace, all capped by those helmets we adored on bedsheets as kids — is intoxicating.

If only frustrated Giants fans could have stitched nicknames on the 2017 squad to exhaust rage over a season gone wrong! A partial list might go as follows

In honor of Javier Baez’s inside-the-park home run and Carlos Moncrief’s bullet throw, Brian Murphy looks back at some of the wildest and highly enticing pleasures in sports: the unexpected thrill.

Like a life preserver thrown to Bay Area sports fans, the NFL season is here to save us from drowning in Giants lousiness.