Because this is a Jock Blog, and because it’s worth the paper it’s written on, let’s go there.
Let’s do the 49ers 2024 Schedule.
Wins and Losses. Week by Week. That fruitless, hopeless waste of time and space.
Who cares if 10 million things can change between now and then? A schedule was released, a nation of Jock Blog readers demands takes, and we’re going in.
Somewhere, Red Smith weeps.
(Note to self: Ask “Young Tony” Farias if he knows who Red Smith was.)
WEEK ONE: vs New York Jets, Monday Night Football
My basic rule is, if you ride with Putin, I don’t ride with you. (If you gotta ask, never mind.) The heck with the New York Jets, their incessant media coverage and particularly the heck with their QB. Brock Purdy is coming off a full summer. Christian McCaffrey will be there.
WIN. (1-0)
WEEK TWO: at Minnesota Vikings
The 49ers haven’t won at Minnesota since 1992. True story. Also true: if either Sam Darnold or JJ McCarthy is QB for the Vikings, the 49ers will break that streak.
WIN. (2-0)
WEEK THREE: at L.A. Rams
This game is at the Rams, which means it’s a home game. The Niners have won seven of eight regular season games in L.A. since the Rams came back from St. Louis. The Rams might be better off hosting this game in The Loo.
WIN. (3-0)
WEEK FOUR: vs. New England Patriots
The Patriots. Are they still in the league?
WIN. (4-0)
WEEK FIVE: vs Arizona Cardinals
“Wait, this Jock Blog has the Niners four and oh and what a homer Jock Blog this is and what are they gonna go seventeen and oh and — “
Needle across vinyl. Levi’s Stadium is blasé for a blasé game. The Niners take their eye off the ball against a team that’s easy to overlook.
LOSE. (4-1)
WEEK SIX: at Seattle, Thursday Night Football
Short week. On the road. Niners still wondering what the heck happened against the Cardinals and Seattle’s shiny new head coach Mike McDonald is excited to draw up a few confusing defenses. Weirdness.
LOSE. (4-2)
WEEK SEVEN: vs Kansas City Chiefs
You know how hard it was to type the words “Kansas City Chiefs” and not have a seizure? Fortunately, the Chiefs will be so busy this fall sorting thru agent phone calls, commercial endorsements and landing tickets Taylor Swift’s Tour of the Andromeda Galaxy to be bothered trying to win.
WIN. (5-2)
WEEK EIGHT: vs. Dallas Cowboys, Sunday Night Football
Dak Prescott still at QB for the Cowboys? Mike McCarthy still at coach? Yeah, that’s a win.
WIN. (6-2)
BYE WEEK — SMILES, EVERYONE, SMILES.
WEEK TEN: at Tampa Bay.
Uh-oh. Baker Mayfield don’t think it’s a damn show! He thinks it’s a damn fight! Small crack in foundation.
LOSE. (6-3)
WEEK ELEVEN: vs. Seattle Seahawks
Get those darn 12s out of the equation, get Geno Smith and the “action green” unis out of the crazy Pacific Northwest, and it’s a different deal. On the South Bay grass, Niners roll.
WIN. (7-3)
WEEK TWELVE: at Green Bay
Wait, at Lambeau Field the Sunday before Thanksgiving? That’s like, un-American to try and beat the Packers in the heartland as Grandma is making the crust for her apple pie. There’s frost on the pumpkin and trouble in WI.
LOSE. (7-4)
WEEK THIRTEEN: at Buffalo, Sunday Night Football
It’s dark, it’s loud, they’re throwing strange rubber objects from the crowd, and the Bills have painted themselves into a must-win with an uneven season. Road woes.
LOSE. (7-5)
WEEK FOURTEEN: vs Chicago Bears
Phew! A normal game, in a normal place, at a normal time.
WIN. (8-5)
WEEK FIFTEEN: vs. L.A. Rams
Sorry, Sean McVay. Your NFL Daddy gets you again.
WIN. (9-5)
WEEK SIXTEEN: at Miami Dolphins
Speed kills. Dolphins have it, and need the game. Long flight home.
LOSE. (9-6)
WEEK SEVENTEEN: vs Detroit Lions, Monday Night Football
I hate that two teams who will probably see each other in two to three weeks from this date are clashing under the lights. I mean, I love it. Don’t get me wrong. Super fun. But feels weirdly too much like a close preview of the playoffs, and oh by the way — Dan Campbell would lay in front of a CalTrain before losing this revenge game he values in the depths of his soul.
LOSE. (9-7)
WEEK EIGHTEEN: at Arizona Cardinals
Niners will need this one to clinch a playoff berth, and they will get it.
WIN. (10-7)
Vegas has the over/under win total at 11? I have the under. I am a believer in that fog called a Super Bowl Loss Hangover, not to be confused with Diana Ross’ “Love Hangover”, to fulfill my generationally-dated pop culture reference quota, at the end of the Jock Blog.
See you in the playoffs, sports fans. I can’t promise anything from there.
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